My choice

It was 00:47 am on a cold November night 2018. I knew the year was coming to an end. I have never been so relieved. My emotions on this particular night were running high, I woke up and opened my laptop. I started typing out a list of names. Names that popped out at me from last 3 years of my life. The people who have made a print no matter how big or small. I guess for some reason I thought it would therapeutic for my anxiety, you see I couldn’t sleep because that horrible feeling of guilt, shame, humiliation after a night of drinking wouldn’t go away. Next, to the names, I wrote words or sentences of how that particular person made me feel, what they had done to me or what I had done to them in turn. For some of them, I wrote character traits. That’s when I started to notice patterns between these people. Which is funny because they were all different backgrounds, race and religion. But they all had something in common. So, I sat there staring at this list and started to wonder what made me drawn to these traits. What was it that kept me meeting the same people, was I a sadist? Did, I secretly like the pain? No, that can’t be it. It was the lack of love and confidence in myself. You know they say people are lessons, but I could see I had to keep redoing the same lesson never moving forward because I hadn’t learnt the problem was me. I didn’t love myself enough. Why? I ask myself why would I freely and whole-heartedly give away love to someone who just walks into my life and can walk out? but I wouldn’t do the same for the person who is never going away. Me. so that night I decided to choose me.

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